Monday, January 26, 2009

The Pledge for Obama and America: Part 2

My sketch group's response to the celebrity Obama "I pledge" video.

The original:

Our response:


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The High Falsetto Singing in a Girl's Ear Awards

Each year the High Falsetto Singing in a Girl's Ear Awards (the HFSGAs) acknowledges a song or performance piece in which someone sings in a high-pitched voice directly into a girl's ear. Well the votes are in and this year's HFSGA goes to:

Justin Timberlake for "Like I Love You"

Congratulations Justin!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Time for an ObamaillaryMclution!

Hooray it's election year again and no one is more excited than me! At long last we can throw the bums out of office, put a stop to the military industrial complex, rampant corporate greed and corruption, and make the American Dream a true reality where anyone who works hard enough can achieve their dreams! Hahah, yeah right! But in the meantime we can always look forward to the empty pageantry and posturing of it all. So grab your hope hats and lets ride the caboose of change because its time for:

Your Guide to the 2008 Elections
by SirChumpsalot

Ah, I love the fresh fart smell of empty campaign rhetoric in the morning. The mudslinging, backbiting, vague promises of a better tomorrow, hypocrisy, outright lying, and various methods of calling the kettle black all stir gentle longings for a merciful bullet in my brain. But before I joyfully shuffle off this mortal coil lets take a look at the candidates:

John McCain

A celebrated war hero who, despite giving birth to a black baby, is back on track and ready to compromise his integrity any way he knows how. A true maverick, he plays both sides of the aisle by embracing neoconservative televangelists and promising even more wars. In fact, he is committed to maintaining the war in Iraq for the next one hundred years, even if, and especially if, they are able to resolve their own internal conflicts peacefully. Known fondly as the "Cowboy of the Quavering Neck Flab" John McCain is a testament to servile old people everywhere and whether or not he is able to secure the presidency, is a certified shoe-in for "World's Greatest Morally Bankrupt Grandpa."

Hillary Clinton

The Cackling Hyena of the North, Hillary Clinton descends upon the presidential arena with a gleam in her eye, a mostly fabricated story to tell, and a cool 100 mil in the bank. Hillary is the woman candidate and if you are a woman you should, like, totally vote for her because, like, we should support grrrrl power because, like, I am woman hear me roar LOL! Like, even if she, like totally voted for the war in Iraq, and like, sat idly by on the board of Wal-Mart while they totally cracked down on the unions or whatever, and like, voted for escalated action against Iran, she, like, totally has a vagina and that's, like, something I can so totally relate to and is totally what I'm going to base my vote on. Oh my Gawd is that a new purse?! It is soooooooo gorgeous! I'm soooooo jealous! OMG Bill is so hot, if I was his wife he would never cheat on me LOL! OMG that's so mean!

Barack Obama

The token black guy of the presidential race, Obama "pities the fool" who would call him out on his ties to nuclear energy lobbyists and after an unsuccessful attempt to avoid association with the inflammatory words of his pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, "calls a 187" on motherfuckin' race relations in America by "droppin' some science" in a televised speech. Obama can "get jiggy with it" if he needs to and speaks no "jibba jabba" when it comes to uniting the country and putting partisanship aside. So far he has been able to "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" in terms of primaries won, but it remains to be seen if he will "Superman Dat Ho" in time for the November elections.

Ron Paul


In conclusion, the United States is a corrupt plutocratic oligarchy whose foreign policy is dictated by war profiteers and whose domestic policy is dictated by automobile, pharmaceutical, and energy tycoons who have but one united Machiavellian world view of profit above all with liberty and justice for themselves. The two party system is a hoax perpetrated on the American people by the ruling elite to give the illusion of choice and nothing will ever actually change and it has been this way and will be this way forever.* Welp, see you at the polls!

*This message brought to you by DreamWorks' A Bee Movie - Buy it on DVD Today!


Friday, September 29, 2006

Pimp Fancy Presents: The 2006 Pimping Games

Since the sport's infancy in 1966, the Competitive Pimping Association has only accepted the boldest, brightest, and most dedicated to the relatively young yet venerable sport. This year, the 40th Annual Pimping Games will be held at the Centroplex in Orlando, Florida. Among the contenders for the 2006 Kristal Chalice are former winners Trey 5, Syrrup, and Pistol Pete, along with up-and-comers, Barry Blue, D.I.C.E., and Dr. Walta.

This year's games will feature several new events, including Slapinomics, an event that measures slapping strength and finesse, John Don' Wanna Pay, a mixed martial arts event, and The Chronic Challenge, a timed event judging "MacGyver-style" bong-crafting and bluntmanship. Naturally, the Games would not be complete without last year's Dirty Dollaz, Sugah in My T, and the Crooklyn Gauntlet, all of which will be making an appearance.

The biggest attraction this year, of course, is 22-year old pimp virtuoso Grimy J, the winner of the Chalice for four years running, and easily the favorite for this year's Games.

Grimy J

Grimy J has vowed that he will not be pulling any punches, particularly after his very close victory over Limonade in the Pimping Qualifier. Though Limonade will unfortunately not be appearing this year due to current legal troubles, Grimy J will certainly have to maintain his top game if he wishes to keep the Chalice out of the hands of veterans such as Trey 5 and popular newcomer Barry Blue.

Pimp Fancy recently spoke with Mr. Blue about the craft, his pimping regimen, and his chances at upsetting this year's Games:

Barry Blue

Pimp Fancy: You've had quite an impressive year, what would you say you owe your recent victories to?

Barry Blue: Well, I've been training hard, man. (Laughs) I think we all have, ever since [Grimy] J came on the scene. Anyone who competes obviously does about two or three times what a normal Mack would do during an average day. I try and make it four.

PF: What does your daily regimen typically consist of?

BB: (Laughs) Well, I don't want to give out too much info to the competition of course, but I generally start the morning with some phone calls, make sure everyone is where they need to be. Do some stretches, roll a square, make the rounds as needed. Typical stuff.

PF: Who would you cite as your biggest influence?

BB: Aw, that's easy. [Big Daddy] M.E.L.V.I.N., without a doubt. There's never been a nigga like him.

PF: What is your favorite part about pimping?

BB: I'm gonna have to think about that. I mean, obviously being able to pimp competitively versus having to pimp to pay the bills is a reward in itself. I guess I would have to say that I get the most out of picking up a lowdown trick and turnin' her out better than she started, you know what I mean? That's what M.E.L.V.I.N. was all about, man. To have a good relationship with your ho's is like those Mastercard commercials, man, it's priceless. Any two-bit hustla can smack his ho's around for nothin' and get his change, but if you got a good relationship with your ho's it makes all the difference in the world.

PF: What advice do you have for those aspiring pimps out there?

BB: Don't. (Laughs) Seriously though, this was the hand God dealt me. I didn't choose to be a pimp, it chose me, as the old cliche goes. I was lucky that I had good influences around that taught me how to do it right and I was extremely lucky to get into competitive pimping. It's a helluva lot harder than it sounds, as anyone on the competitive circuit will tell you. Don't do it if it's not in your blood, man. If it is, you already know it and there ain't nothin' that I can say that'll make a shit to you (Laughs). Just study the masters, man. Study M.E.L.V.I.N., Crescent Fred, and of course [Grimy] J. That kid is unbelievable.

PF: Do you think you have a chance at beating Grimy J this year?

BB: I got a chance in hell, man, but I got a chance.


Saturday, August 19, 2006

A Selection of Salacious Short Stories

Monday, August 15, 2005

Skip to my Lou

Partisan Fighter II: Championship Edition
A SirChumpsAlot Exclusive*

The age old battle between right vs. left, conservative vs. liberal, and Coach Patterson vs. Ralph Nader has existed since time immemorial. But with all of the complicated issues facing our great nation, it's time you found out from some guy on the internet which side of the aisle you should stand on. Choose your fighter...


Republicans are the rich white guys who own everything. They own all of the energy, automotive, insurance, and pharmaceutical companies and therefore own you. And if you don't like that, they'll fucking kill you.

Powers: Force Lightning, Force Choke, Prayer


Democrats are the civil servants and Little Urban Achievers of the political spectrum. They fight tirelessly for the underdog, the environment, free-speech and, naturally, get their collective ass handed to them.

Powers: Protest, Righteous Indignation, Online Petition


The red-headed step-children of the Republican Party, Libertarians think that the gubment needs to get the hell off its lawn. Basically Republicans on weed...with guns.

Powers: Unarmed Combat, Swords, Polearms

Green Party

The Green Party is the even more pussified version of the Democrats. They think everyone should recycle, switch to renewable energy sources, and set America as a beacon of peace and humanitarianism in the world. Like I said, pussies.

Powers: Flower power, CareBear Stare, Captain Planet Ring: Heart


Anarchists are way hardcore to the max dudes who say "Fuck the government, man!" Basically the teenage children of the Democrats/Green Party who are trying as hard as they can to...rebel against...something...

Powers: Writing Incomprehensible Websites, Being XhardcoreX, Bad Music/Poetry

In sum, it is obvious that Republican dominance is to be feared and respected above all others. However, the winds carry a prophecy that one day a Chosen One will rise from the ranks of the disenfranchised to topple the Republican/Shadaloo Syndicate. Therefore, we have arranged a tournament for the greatest political fighters in the world to settle their differences in the ring. That is, if you believe you are Tuff-E-Nuff(!)

We shall see...

Yours truly,

M. Bison

*This article originally appeared in the July 2005 Edition of BassDigest

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Tale of the Ghost Pirate

Graduation and Beyond
by Darryl Rogers
Guest Columnist

"Now that I'm nearing graduation, I've begun pondering my future. What do I do once I have official documentation proving that I have correctly followed syllabi for four years? On one hand, I could be a schmuck in a cubicle; sitting in the same place and performing the same meaningless tasks every day, chuckling listlessly at dreary office humor, and finding pitiful solace in adorning my grey environs with pathetic reminders of my obsolescence and decay. On the other hand, I could return to college for a graduate degree; sitting in the same place and performing the same meaningless tasks every day, chuckling listlessly at dreary academic humor, and finding pitiful solace in adorning my brown environs with pathetic reminders of my obsolescence and decay.

But then it occurred to me--why put up with all that bullshit when I could be a FAT IRRESPONSIBLE SELFISH QUEEF WHO LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS AND PLAYS EVERQUEST ALL DAY?"

Haha, that was an entry in my Livejournal back when I was about to graduate college. Funny how young and naive I was back then. Those years I lived with my parents were the best years of my life. I made it to the level 60 cap with over 27 unique characters (or avatars), got married and divorced three times (No hard feelings BunniBlade!), and gained over 277 pounds on a diet of Mountain Dew, pizza, and ranch dressing (/pizza anyone?!?). But like all good things, those glory days sadly came to an end with the passing of my mother this past year. After the electricity and water was cut off, I decided it was time I made something of myself. While I might not be a "Tony Danza" by any stretch of the imagination, I knew that my unique life experiences might be useful to someone. That's why I, with a little financial support from my online guild, created Fat Irresponsible Selfish Queef, Inc (FISQ).

FISQ is a company dedicated to providing the opportunity for recent college graduates (and women!) to discover their inner manchild and find the oft-overlooked support that their parents should provide. To assist us in our mission, we also provide a team of legal experts for any of our members whose parents are reluctant to lend their support. I consider myself lucky for the amazing roller-coaster of a life I have lead; I have traveled from the peaks of Ak'Anon to the Tower of Frozen Shadow and back again--but now, I am pleased to serve you.

For More Information on the FISQ Corporation, please visit our website:
"It's like being a child again, except now you're a grown man!"

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