Monday, October 25, 2004

Fatty McDesperate w/Cheese

Ah, dating. The terrible awkwardness, the excruciating anticipation, the inevitable disapointment, and the bitter, soul-crushing lonliness that follow, are but a few of the perks of the tragi-comic charade known as modern courtship. But now, thanks to the "internet", even hideous social rejects like you have a shot at getting your heartbreakingly pathetic hopes up -- without even leaving the house. And it's all thanks to:

The Magical World of Online Dating

by Vince "Hotbottoms6969" Milo
(woo this person)

Day 1 - Finding the right dating website

With so many different dating websites out there, which is the right one? You could use one of the paysites like Matchmaker or Match, but then, not only are you still going to be alone for the rest of eternity, now you're suffering the additional humiliation of actually paying for it. Of course, if you absolutely must pay money for companionship in order to feel like you're not ripping someone off, there is always Russian mail-order brides; how ugly could she possibly be? But if you're not ready for a serious, non-English speaking relationship, I recommend a free dating website like OKCupid or Yahoo Personals.

Day 2 - Creating a Profile

Creating a fun, sassy profile is the key to tricking other people into thinking that you are interesting. Right off the bat, make sure that you say "your friend" got you into online dating and you're "just doing it for fun" so no one will know how horribly lonely you are. Also be sure and mention things like your shitty band, how each day is a poem, and how much you like to party! If possible, use artwork or a teasing, blurry photograph so people won't see how ugly you really are. Avoid mentioning that you are 37, still living with your parents, and when not thinking about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, you are an avid sword hobbyist.

Day 3 - Finding matches

Finding someone uglier and/or more desperate than you can truly be a daunting task. Fortunately, dating websites allow you to rank matches according to how much you have in common; so if you are a dark, misunderstood poet living a life of quiet desperation, rest assured that there will be a theatre/ceramics major who has been looking for that special someone for a long, long time.

Day 4 - Expressing Interest

Once you find someone that falls well below any standard of human decency, you can now "Wink" or "Woo" that person. This means that you send a message indicating interest in them, without actually saying anything -- of course, everyone knows this is for pussies. If you really want to make an impression, you will have to write them a personal message. The key here is to express your intent, without scaring off your prey. Try and say something like, "hay, jsut saw ur porfile, u r kewl, im n a band" Remember, always mention that you are in a band; people are 175% more likely to have sex with you if they think you are in a band, no matter how hideous you are.

Day 5 - AIM

Damn, things are really getting hot now! So you have coyly gone back and forth through the dating website's message system and, unable to contain your carnal lust any longer, have exchanged AIM screen names! Hopefully you already have a totally "hilarious" Buddy Icon that accurately depicts how "wacky" and "fun" you are. !!Important!! Make sure you have deleted all of your Harry Potter erotica links from your profile!! Now, to get the conversation going, break the ice with tried and true openers like "hay sexay!!!1" or "im n a band" and let the conversation proceed naturally. Remember, you can never say "LOLOLOL" too many times. Nothing says humorous and good-natured personality more than the abbreviation for "laughing out loud out loud out loud."

Day 6 - Going on a REAL date

Are you kidding? You actually have a real date? Well shit, Casanova, what the hell do you need me for? You go girl! One thing to keep in mind here: they are now going to see what you actually look like; so remember, garters, wigs, make-up, and prosthetics are your friend. Other than that, just act like someone who is cool would act, that's what I do; if you have shades and some cigarettes add +7 to your Way Cool Score.

Day 7 - Hot XXX Action

Well you finally made it, and Christ Almighty is it horrible. Please, for the love of God, wear protection.

And there you have it! Who would have thought that you could have gone from "zero" to "possible carrier of veneral disease" in the course of a week? Of course, now that you've done away with the pretense, your virtual "significant other" has become a real-life "pain in the ass", with all sorts of "issues", "needs", and emotional baggage. Now is a good time to promise to "call them later" and "make good your escape", as they say. Once you get your test results and dignity back, you will be ready to play the field once more! Who ever said dating online couldn't be just as stupid and degrading as the real thing? Not me!

Keep on pimpin'!

'Nuff Love,
Magic Juan


Anonymous Anonymous said...





9/25/2005 11:32 AM  

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