Monday, October 18, 2004

My Wasted Life

Ah, if only I had the last ten years of my life back. But who needs women or friends when you have been playing...

Teh Best Games EVR!!1!

by Vince "DragonCon Ladykiller +3" Milo


I can remember in seventh grade when one of my friends interrupted our heated game of Magic: The Gathering to show us the instruction manual for Warcraft 1. This game, along with Command & Conquer, paved the way for all future Real Time Strategy games to come. Blizzard pretty much "pwnd" (see:0wnz0r3d) the RTS market with this series and Starcraft, until games like Ages of Empires II and Rise of Nations came along.

Final Fantasy

This game, along with Dragon Warrior 1, was my first foray into RPGs at the tender age of eight. My friend and I built two seperate thrones out of couch cushions so that one of us could play and the other could navigate with the Official Nintendo Power Strategy Guide. Of course, everyone is aware of the Final Fantasy series now, thanks to #'s VII-XI or whatever it is now, and the shitty movie, but none have come close to the original three.

Chrono Trigger

Arguably the greatest game of all time, Chrono Trigger put all previous RPGs to shame. I pulled off many a sick day in eighth grade in order to be the first kid on my block to get all the endings, a feat that brought me fame and glory worldwide. The only other games that ever came close to CT's majesty were probably Final Fantasy 3, Xenogears, and Suikoden II.

Heroes of Might and Magic II

This game came out around ninth grade. After our daily beating, my friends and I would walk home from Junior High and play this amazing game. We would pretend that the stack of Zounds...Peasants were our coaches and the football team, and we were the invincible stack of 20 Vampire Lords, cruelly slaughtering them one by one, and then raising them from the dead into our dark service. Later HOMM games followed this, but they were never as good.

Asheron's Call

Thanks to this game and Xenogears, I pretty much guaranteed that I would never get laid in high school. But if you have ever gotten a tiny shard, you would know it was totally worth it.

Civilization 2

Oh, the hours wasted and exams failed. I still play this fucking game.

Tekken 2

Though I would probably have to agree that Soul Calibur is better, there was a certain mystique to this game that I haven't found in a fighting game since. Being able to play as Kazuya and then, if I was defeated, being able to play as Devil in order to seek vengeance, was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life.

Maniac Mansion

This game made me piss my pants. No seriously, I had to wait for the doorbell to ring so I could pick up the package in front of the mansion before Weird Ed did and -- look, you have to understand how much the completion of this game meant to a fifteen year old kid. I mean nine year old. Seriously, I was nine. Lets just drop it, ok asshole?


I played this game back in third grade, and it gave me nightmares for weeks. This was back when the Japanese could still openly fuck with little children's minds.

The Sims

This game continued my celibate legacy well into my early college years. After I became an Unleashed, House Partying, Vacationing, Superstar, however, I finally decided it was high time I set out, and actually became a participant in my own life.

And so our story ends, and here I am today -- an upstanding citizen with a wife and kids, and my feet firmly planted in reality!
As you can probably tell, I tried to start out with this as a serious list, but couldn't help but fall into self-parody after so long. It makes you wonder how people who actually do stuff like this keep it together -- oh, I guess they don't.

Until next time, fags!

Walter Cronkite


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