Monday, November 01, 2004

Hail to my Weiner

In approximately 48 hours, the fate of the world will have been decided. We shall either once more be under the thrall of The Great White Satan himself, or, under the veleveteen touch of a candy-ass, flip-flop, French millionaire pussyboy. Either way, I don't really care because the whole thing is, like, totally rigged anyway. But you should. You should care more than you have ever cared about anything in your life. Why? Because P. Diddy said so, bitch! But if you are still one of those jackoffs that doesn't know what our most sacred institution is all about, here's a handy guide for your retarded ass:

(Que MIDI fanfare)
Your Guide to the 2004 Presidential Elections
by Vince "W" Milo

The Candidates

Your first step in participating in the political process, after forgetting to register to vote, is to get to know the candidates and their platforms. There are many things you might not know about the candidates and/or their platforms might surprise you. For example, did you know that President Bush once drove a snowmobile off of his platform and right into Karl Rove's ass? Or that John Kerry swings from platform to platform and tree to tree using only his distended, prehensile genitalia? Don't worry about learning about the third-party candidates, they will never win anyway and they hate our freedom.

Casting your Vote

After you learn as much as you can from TV about the candidates, it is now time to vote. You can either vote early and risk having your vote disqualified, or vote on Nov. 2nd and have to wait in a long line before having your vote disqualified. Either way, you will want to first decide who it is you will vote for. To find this out, first take the number of signs, bumper stickers, and clever t-shirts you have seen for each candidate and add your totals. Next, take all of the counter-signs and bumper stickers and subtract those from your totals. For example, if you saw 132 Bush/Cheney signs, but you saw 44 "W" with a slash through it stickers, your Bush total would now be 88. Likewise, if you saw 116 Kerry/Edwards stickers, but saw 27 Kerry/Bin Laden stickers, your Kerry total would now be 89. Whoever ends up with the highest total is who you will vote for. In the case of a tie, a write-in ballot for Macho Man Randy Savage must be cast. As for the various congressmen and senators, just vote for whoever has the coolest name.

The Electoral College

After all of the votes have been cast, they are then sent to the Electoral College for immediate shredding. Next, key members of Congress called Electors, will roll about naked upon the defiled remains of our democracy; drinking to excess, fornicating, and defecating on our hopes and dreams. Afterwards, whichever party has the most Electors left on the dance floor, gets their nominee elected. In the case of a tie, a wet t-shirt contest is held and the Supreme Court is brought in to judge. Interestingly enough, the 2000 election was decided not so much by "hanging chads" or the disenfrachisement of black voters, as was previously thought, but moreso by Dick Cheney's erotic performance to the house remix of "Tainted Love" and subsequent pole-dance.

Watching TV

The next part of the democaratic process is to watch TV en masse to see which media corporation will become our next president. Naturally, you will already have tequila shots ready. Every time they say "electoral college", "swing states", or "democracy" take a shot. If they ever say "September 11th", "Iraq", or "terrorism" take two shots. If Bush wins, chug a bottle of Jack. If Kerry wins, chug a bottle of schnapps. If Nader wins, chug a bottle of "In your dreams you fucking hippy." If Macho Man Randy Savage wins, crash through your neighbors wall and go, "Oooooh yeeeeeah!"

The Aftermath

After you vomit all over your balcony the next morning, take a moment; look wistfully out over our fair land, sigh, and ponder the implications of how, just as in life, your contribution once more failed to make a difference on anything. Realize that this country has already been bought and paid for years ago by national corporate interests, and that your only purpose in life now is to make said corporations even more wealthy through you consumption of products, labor, and eventual death. A wave of political indifference will now wash over you so be sure and have some caffeine and cigarettes handy to fill the void. Next, put some $2/gallon gas in your car, get stuck in traffic, and get docked pay for being late to work. Now get fat and die of heart disease. Congratulations, you are now a true American!

See you at the polls!

Your friends,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Some weird muscle chick guy (Dahippy?), and Richard M. Nixon


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