Monday, October 25, 2004

Fatty McDesperate w/Cheese

Ah, dating. The terrible awkwardness, the excruciating anticipation, the inevitable disapointment, and the bitter, soul-crushing lonliness that follow, are but a few of the perks of the tragi-comic charade known as modern courtship. But now, thanks to the "internet", even hideous social rejects like you have a shot at getting your heartbreakingly pathetic hopes up -- without even leaving the house. And it's all thanks to:


The Magical World of Online Dating

by Vince "Hotbottoms6969" Milo
(woo this person)


Day 1 - Finding the right dating website

With so many different dating websites out there, which is the right one? You could use one of the paysites like Matchmaker or Match, but then, not only are you still going to be alone for the rest of eternity, now you're suffering the additional humiliation of actually paying for it. Of course, if you absolutely must pay money for companionship in order to feel like you're not ripping someone off, there is always Russian mail-order brides; how ugly could she possibly be? But if you're not ready for a serious, non-English speaking relationship, I recommend a free dating website like OKCupid or Yahoo Personals.


Day 2 - Creating a Profile

Creating a fun, sassy profile is the key to tricking other people into thinking that you are interesting. Right off the bat, make sure that you say "your friend" got you into online dating and you're "just doing it for fun" so no one will know how horribly lonely you are. Also be sure and mention things like your shitty band, how each day is a poem, and how much you like to party! If possible, use artwork or a teasing, blurry photograph so people won't see how ugly you really are. Avoid mentioning that you are 37, still living with your parents, and when not thinking about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, you are an avid sword hobbyist.


Day 3 - Finding matches

Finding someone uglier and/or more desperate than you can truly be a daunting task. Fortunately, dating websites allow you to rank matches according to how much you have in common; so if you are a dark, misunderstood poet living a life of quiet desperation, rest assured that there will be a theatre/ceramics major who has been looking for that special someone for a long, long time.


Day 4 - Expressing Interest

Once you find someone that falls well below any standard of human decency, you can now "Wink" or "Woo" that person. This means that you send a message indicating interest in them, without actually saying anything -- of course, everyone knows this is for pussies. If you really want to make an impression, you will have to write them a personal message. The key here is to express your intent, without scaring off your prey. Try and say something like, "hay, jsut saw ur porfile, u r kewl, im n a band" Remember, always mention that you are in a band; people are 175% more likely to have sex with you if they think you are in a band, no matter how hideous you are.


Day 5 - AIM

Damn, things are really getting hot now! So you have coyly gone back and forth through the dating website's message system and, unable to contain your carnal lust any longer, have exchanged AIM screen names! Hopefully you already have a totally "hilarious" Buddy Icon that accurately depicts how "wacky" and "fun" you are. !!Important!! Make sure you have deleted all of your Harry Potter erotica links from your profile!! Now, to get the conversation going, break the ice with tried and true openers like "hay sexay!!!1" or "im n a band" and let the conversation proceed naturally. Remember, you can never say "LOLOLOL" too many times. Nothing says humorous and good-natured personality more than the abbreviation for "laughing out loud out loud out loud."


Day 6 - Going on a REAL date

Are you kidding? You actually have a real date? Well shit, Casanova, what the hell do you need me for? You go girl! One thing to keep in mind here: they are now going to see what you actually look like; so remember, garters, wigs, make-up, and prosthetics are your friend. Other than that, just act like someone who is cool would act, that's what I do; if you have shades and some cigarettes add +7 to your Way Cool Score.


Day 7 - Hot XXX Action

Well you finally made it, and Christ Almighty is it horrible. Please, for the love of God, wear protection.


And there you have it! Who would have thought that you could have gone from "zero" to "possible carrier of veneral disease" in the course of a week? Of course, now that you've done away with the pretense, your virtual "significant other" has become a real-life "pain in the ass", with all sorts of "issues", "needs", and emotional baggage. Now is a good time to promise to "call them later" and "make good your escape", as they say. Once you get your test results and dignity back, you will be ready to play the field once more! Who ever said dating online couldn't be just as stupid and degrading as the real thing? Not me!


Keep on pimpin'!

'Nuff Love,
Magic Juan

Monday, October 18, 2004

My Wasted Life

Ah, if only I had the last ten years of my life back. But who needs women or friends when you have been playing...

Teh Best Games EVR!!1!

by Vince "DragonCon Ladykiller +3" Milo


Warcraft

I can remember in seventh grade when one of my friends interrupted our heated game of Magic: The Gathering to show us the instruction manual for Warcraft 1. This game, along with Command & Conquer, paved the way for all future Real Time Strategy games to come. Blizzard pretty much "pwnd" (see:0wnz0r3d) the RTS market with this series and Starcraft, until games like Ages of Empires II and Rise of Nations came along.


Final Fantasy

This game, along with Dragon Warrior 1, was my first foray into RPGs at the tender age of eight. My friend and I built two seperate thrones out of couch cushions so that one of us could play and the other could navigate with the Official Nintendo Power Strategy Guide. Of course, everyone is aware of the Final Fantasy series now, thanks to #'s VII-XI or whatever it is now, and the shitty movie, but none have come close to the original three.


Chrono Trigger

Arguably the greatest game of all time, Chrono Trigger put all previous RPGs to shame. I pulled off many a sick day in eighth grade in order to be the first kid on my block to get all the endings, a feat that brought me fame and glory worldwide. The only other games that ever came close to CT's majesty were probably Final Fantasy 3, Xenogears, and Suikoden II.


Heroes of Might and Magic II

This game came out around ninth grade. After our daily beating, my friends and I would walk home from Junior High and play this amazing game. We would pretend that the stack of Zounds...Peasants were our coaches and the football team, and we were the invincible stack of 20 Vampire Lords, cruelly slaughtering them one by one, and then raising them from the dead into our dark service. Later HOMM games followed this, but they were never as good.


Asheron's Call


Thanks to this game and Xenogears, I pretty much guaranteed that I would never get laid in high school. But if you have ever gotten a tiny shard, you would know it was totally worth it.


Civilization 2

Oh, the hours wasted and exams failed. I still play this fucking game.


Tekken 2

Though I would probably have to agree that Soul Calibur is better, there was a certain mystique to this game that I haven't found in a fighting game since. Being able to play as Kazuya and then, if I was defeated, being able to play as Devil in order to seek vengeance, was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life.


Maniac Mansion

This game made me piss my pants. No seriously, I had to wait for the doorbell to ring so I could pick up the package in front of the mansion before Weird Ed did and -- look, you have to understand how much the completion of this game meant to a fifteen year old kid. I mean nine year old. Seriously, I was nine. Lets just drop it, ok asshole?


Shadowgate

I played this game back in third grade, and it gave me nightmares for weeks. This was back when the Japanese could still openly fuck with little children's minds.


The Sims

This game continued my celibate legacy well into my early college years. After I became an Unleashed, House Partying, Vacationing, Superstar, however, I finally decided it was high time I set out, and actually became a participant in my own life.


And so our story ends, and here I am today -- an upstanding citizen with a wife and kids, and my feet firmly planted in reality!
As you can probably tell, I tried to start out with this as a serious list, but couldn't help but fall into self-parody after so long. It makes you wonder how people who actually do stuff like this keep it together -- oh, I guess they don't.


Until next time, fags!

Sincerely,
Walter Cronkite

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Daffodil Daydreams

Ok, this has gone on far too long and I am no longer able to contain the caustic venom eating away inside me -- thus, I present to you, in no particular order:

People I Hate

By Vince "Pene Grande" Milo


The Verizon Guy

Everything about this guy, from his smug self-satisfied expression, to his pseudo-indie rock Elvis Costello glasses, makes me want to drive meathooks into his eye sockets and drag him behind a truck until he eventually disintegrates against the unforgiving pavement. Naturally, a pack of wild dogs would be in hot pursuit of my grisly chariot, greedily seizing upon his tender flesh."Can you hear me now?" I would cry from the cab, oblivious to his pitiful cries of agony. "Good! Now, though I'd love to take you up on your offer of casting my horoscope, I'm much too busy enjoying the sight of your flailing carcass being gradually torn to shreds by elements of both earth and beast." I don't know why I hate this guy so much, but I really really do.


The Geico Gecko

Though he isn't technically a person, he still pisses me off. Whoever thought it would be HILARIOUS to mix up the word Geico with gecko must have also thought that the dancing hamster from Blockbuster, and the outrageous, yet appropriately named, Oven Mitt (voiced by "funnyman" Tom Arnold) from Arby's were, on a scale of 1-10 on the Laff-O-Meter(tm), an 1,000,000!!!1~!1 Obviously, our only recourse is to round these people up, seal them in an airtight capsule, and release them into the icy-waters of the North Atlantic, never to be spoken of again.


Paris Hilton

Nothing speaks more volumes about the social retardation of America than the rise of former non-publicly-fucked hotel heiress Paris Hilton. Apparently, just being a ridiculous, undeservedly rich, human blow-up-doll no longer warrants national distinction. She makes me hate everyone in the whole world.


Terry Bradshaw

What a fucking doofus. I wish I could get paid millions of dollars to be an annoying dipshit sportscaster who not only gives "hilarious" and "laugh-out loud" unnecessary game commentary along with fellow former-overrated-football-star-turned-not-funny-commercial-douchebag Howie Long, but who also found time to make equally "wacky" brain-destroying 1-800-COLLECT commercials along with fellow "laugh riots" Toby Keith and Alf. The trick here would be to first seal the exits during the taping of Fox NFL Sunday. Meanwhile, deploy Zyklon-B gas through the air-conditioning ducts and let the show begin. The ensuing carnage, as Howie and Jimmy Johnson dismember JB and unsuccessfully attempt to use his femur to pry open the studio doors, would no doubt leave American audiences so traumatized that they would collectively renounce all the stupid shit their lives have revolved around since they were born and take up international hospitality or something gay like that.


Bono

Oh, shut the fuck up.


Praise the Lord

char·la·tan
n.
A person who makes elaborate, fraudulent, and often voluble claims to skill or knowledge; a quack or fraud.
You gotta hand it to these people, tricking the blacks and elderly into believing that if they pay you enough money, you will pray for them, is pure marketing genius. But what really pisses me off about this show is that no one seems to notice the fact that it's co-produced by a whorish pink-haired abomination named Jan. Now Jan, like Marduk, the fell demon god of Babylon, knows an opportunity when she sees it, and she's not going to let a little thing like a horrible disaster in an impoverished third-world country go unexploited. The fact that God hasn't already struck down these assholes on live national television with His mighty wrath -- more than any Nietschzean, existentialist, or post-structuralist thought -- has proven to me that He truly does not exist.


Freddie Prinz Jr.

Freddie Prinz Jr. has always been a living dildo, but ever since She's All That, he really rose to the top of my official list of People I Would Enjoy Watching Being Slowly Lowered into Molten Lava (PIWEWBSLML).


Lars Ulrich

I'm not sure if I hated Lars Ulrich before the whole Napster thing, but I definitely hated Metallica. Now however, I just hate Lars Ulrich -- particularly his stupid fucking face (see above). It was bad enough that Metallica ever became popular in the first place, much less that they sold out and cut their hair, much less that they filed a lawsuit against Napster with Lars "Forehead" Ulrich as their spokesman. I suppose he was the only member of the band coherent enough to open his fat smarmy face and complain that the Jacuzzi feature in his stretch hummer wasn't going to buy itself. God I hate him. Fortunately, his entire purpose in life has been rendered null and void thanks to Gnutella, Shareaza, Limewire, BitTorrent, MLDonkey, FastTrack, Morpheus, eMule, BearShare, and Kazaa Lite. Say, maybe God does exist after all.


Puff Daddy

po·seur
n.
One who affects a particular attribute, attitude, or identity to impress or influence others.
Also, in this case, one who pretends to have talent in order to impress or influence others. P. Diddy, or as I like to call him, Piece of Shitty , is an enigma. Here is a guy who has no musical ability, no rapping ability, has a stupid name, steals other people's music and calls it "sampling", has a stupid expression on his face all the time, and he dropped his mic when he was "performing" his cover of Led Zeppelin's Kashmir on Saturday Night Live. And yet, he makes millions of dollars, has had sex with J.Lo (though, like all things touched by Ben Affleck, this accomplishment has devalued), and continues to rear his disqualified head on my TV. To get to the bottom of this conundrum I had the good fortune of scoring an interview with Mr. Shitty himself, here's a "sample":

SirChumps: How ever do you do it P.?

P. Diddy4823: Well it all started by riding on the coat-tails of actual rappers. Then, I took music that had already been written and "rapped" over it. Then I sold this garbage to people who don't know any better.

SirChumps: Your national recognition as an artist shames us all.

P. Diddy4823: Well it's like the song goes: As long as you are completely devoid of anything resembling talent, America will rise up to embrace you. This one goes out to you Big Poppa, wherever you are -- take it away, Sting.

SirChumps has logged off


Kittens

I absolutely, positively, unequivocally HATE kittens, they represent all that's evil in this -- awwww, how can I be mad at you little scamps? Who's a pretty kitty? Who's a pretty kitty? You are! You are!


The End

There you have it folks, this took way more time than I thought so don't expect me to do anything like this ever again.


Your friend,
Morrisey

Sunday, October 10, 2004

First post!!!111


"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"
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