Monday, August 15, 2005

Skip to my Lou

Partisan Fighter II: Championship Edition
A SirChumpsAlot Exclusive*

The age old battle between right vs. left, conservative vs. liberal, and Coach Patterson vs. Ralph Nader has existed since time immemorial. But with all of the complicated issues facing our great nation, it's time you found out from some guy on the internet which side of the aisle you should stand on. Choose your fighter...


Republicans are the rich white guys who own everything. They own all of the energy, automotive, insurance, and pharmaceutical companies and therefore own you. And if you don't like that, they'll fucking kill you.

Powers: Force Lightning, Force Choke, Prayer


Democrats are the civil servants and Little Urban Achievers of the political spectrum. They fight tirelessly for the underdog, the environment, free-speech and, naturally, get their collective ass handed to them.

Powers: Protest, Righteous Indignation, Online Petition


The red-headed step-children of the Republican Party, Libertarians think that the gubment needs to get the hell off its lawn. Basically Republicans on weed...with guns.

Powers: Unarmed Combat, Swords, Polearms

Green Party

The Green Party is the even more pussified version of the Democrats. They think everyone should recycle, switch to renewable energy sources, and set America as a beacon of peace and humanitarianism in the world. Like I said, pussies.

Powers: Flower power, CareBear Stare, Captain Planet Ring: Heart


Anarchists are way hardcore to the max dudes who say "Fuck the government, man!" Basically the teenage children of the Democrats/Green Party who are trying as hard as they can to...rebel against...something...

Powers: Writing Incomprehensible Websites, Being XhardcoreX, Bad Music/Poetry

In sum, it is obvious that Republican dominance is to be feared and respected above all others. However, the winds carry a prophecy that one day a Chosen One will rise from the ranks of the disenfranchised to topple the Republican/Shadaloo Syndicate. Therefore, we have arranged a tournament for the greatest political fighters in the world to settle their differences in the ring. That is, if you believe you are Tuff-E-Nuff(!)

We shall see...

Yours truly,

M. Bison

*This article originally appeared in the July 2005 Edition of BassDigest

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