The Blog of Sir Chumps-A-Lot

The Pledge for Obama and America: Part 2

2009-01-26T13:00:00.002-06:00

My sketch group's response to the celebrity Obama "I pledge" video.

The original:

Our response:

The High Falsetto Singing in a Girl's Ear Awards

2008-09-17T17:57:00.004-05:00

Each year the High Falsetto Singing in a Girl's Ear Awards (the HFSGAs) acknowledges a song or performance piece in which someone sings in a high-pitched voice directly into a girl's ear. Well the votes are in and this year's HFSGA goes to:

Justin Timberlake for "Like I Love You"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGRmmEKMop4

Congratulations Justin!

Time for an ObamaillaryMclution!

2008-04-07T13:54:00.011-05:00

Hooray it's election year again and no one is more excited than me! At long last we can throw the bums out of office, put a stop to the military industrial complex, rampant corporate greed and corruption, and make the American Dream a true reality where anyone who works hard enough can achieve their dreams! Hahah, yeah right! But in the meantime we can always look forward to the empty pageantry and posturing of it all. So grab your hope hats and lets ride the caboose of change because its time for:

Your Guide to the 2008 Elections

by SirChumpsalot

Ah, I love the fresh fart smell of empty campaign rhetoric in the morning. The mudslinging, backbiting, vague promises of a better tomorrow, hypocrisy, outright lying, and various methods of calling the kettle black all stir gentle longings for a merciful bullet in my brain. But before I joyfully shuffle off this mortal coil lets take a look at the candidates:

John McCain

A celebrated war hero who, despite giving birth to a black baby, is back on track and ready to compromise his integrity any way he knows how. A true maverick, he plays both sides of the aisle by embracing neoconservative televangelists and promising even more wars. In fact, he is committed to maintaining the war in Iraq for the next one hundred years, even if, and especially if, they are able to resolve their own internal conflicts peacefully. Known fondly as the "Cowboy of the Quavering Neck Flab" John McCain is a testament to servile old people everywhere and whether or not he is able to secure the presidency, is a certified shoe-in for "World's Greatest Morally Bankrupt Grandpa."

Hillary Clinton

The Cackling Hyena of the North, Hillary Clinton descends upon the presidential arena with a gleam in her eye, a mostly fabricated story to tell, and a cool 100 mil in the bank. Hillary is the woman candidate and if you are a woman you should, like, totally vote for her because, like, we should support grrrrl power because, like, I am woman hear me roar LOL! Like, even if she, like totally voted for the war in Iraq, and like, sat idly by on the board of Wal-Mart while they totally cracked down on the unions or whatever, and like, voted for escalated action against Iran, she, like, totally has a vagina and that's, like, something I can so totally relate to and is totally what I'm going to base my vote on. Oh my Gawd is that a new purse?! It is soooooooo gorgeous! I'm soooooo jealous! OMG Bill is so hot, if I was his wife he would never cheat on me LOL! OMG that's so mean!

Barack Obama

The token black guy of the presidential race, Obama "pities the fool" who would call him out on his ties to nuclear energy lobbyists and after an unsuccessful attempt to avoid association with the inflammatory words of his pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, "calls a 187" on motherfuckin' race relations in America by "droppin' some science" in a televised speech. Obama can "get jiggy with it" if he needs to and speaks no "jibba jabba" when it comes to uniting the country and putting partisanship aside. So far he has been able to "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" in terms of primaries won, but it remains to be seen if he will "Superman Dat Ho" in time for the November elections.

Ron Paul

HI MY NAME IS RON PAUL A.K.A. MR. CRAZY PANTS LETS ABOLISH THE FEDERAL RESERVE LETS ADOPT THE GOLD STANDARD 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB GOOGLE 9/11 TRUTH LETS MAKE A MILITIA AND SECEDE FROM THE UNION I LIVE IN A TRAILER PARK AND EAT DEER MEAT IN MY WIGWAM BUSH HID THE FACTS I LOVE TO SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY 420 SCIENTOLOGY IS A LIE ANONYMOUS DOES NOT FORGIVE LONGCAT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE

In conclusion, the United States is a corrupt plutocratic oligarchy whose foreign policy is dictated by war profiteers and whose domestic policy is dictated by automobile, pharmaceutical, and energy tycoons who have but one united Machiavellian world view of profit above all with liberty and justice for themselves. The two party system is a hoax perpetrated on the American people by the ruling elite to give the illusion of choice and nothing will ever actually change and it has been this way and will be this way forever.* Welp, see you at the polls!

*This message brought to you by DreamWorks' A Bee Movie - Buy it on DVD Today!

Pimp Fancy Presents: The 2006 Pimping Games

2006-09-29T17:57:00.000-05:00

Since the sport's infancy in 1966, the Competitive Pimping Association has only accepted the boldest, brightest, and most dedicated to the relatively young yet venerable sport. This year, the 40th Annual Pimping Games will be held at the Centroplex in Orlando, Florida. Among the contenders for the 2006 Kristal Chalice are former winners Trey 5, Syrrup, and Pistol Pete, along with up-and-comers, Barry Blue, D.I.C.E., and Dr. Walta.

This year's games will feature several new events, including Slapinomics, an event that measures slapping strength and finesse, John Don' Wanna Pay, a mixed martial arts event, and The Chronic Challenge, a timed event judging "MacGyver-style" bong-crafting and bluntmanship. Naturally, the Games would not be complete without last year's Dirty Dollaz, Sugah in My T, and the Crooklyn Gauntlet, all of which will be making an appearance.

The biggest attraction this year, of course, is 22-year old pimp virtuoso Grimy J, the winner of the Chalice for four years running, and easily the favorite for this year's Games.

Grimy J

Grimy J has vowed that he will not be pulling any punches, particularly after his very close victory over Limonade in the Pimping Qualifier. Though Limonade will unfortunately not be appearing this year due to current legal troubles, Grimy J will certainly have to maintain his top game if he wishes to keep the Chalice out of the hands of veterans such as Trey 5 and popular newcomer Barry Blue.

Pimp Fancy recently spoke with Mr. Blue about the craft, his pimping regimen, and his chances at upsetting this year's Games:

Barry Blue

Pimp Fancy: You've had quite an impressive year, what would you say you owe your recent victories to?

Barry Blue: Well, I've been training hard, man. (Laughs) I think we all have, ever since [Grimy] J came on the scene. Anyone who competes obviously does about two or three times what a normal Mack would do during an average day. I try and make it four.

PF: What does your daily regimen typically consist of?

BB: (Laughs) Well, I don't want to give out too much info to the competition of course, but I generally start the morning with some phone calls, make sure everyone is where they need to be. Do some stretches, roll a square, make the rounds as needed. Typical stuff.

PF: Who would you cite as your biggest influence?

BB: Aw, that's easy. [Big Daddy] M.E.L.V.I.N., without a doubt. There's never been a nigga like him.

PF: What is your favorite part about pimping?

BB: I'm gonna have to think about that. I mean, obviously being able to pimp competitively versus having to pimp to pay the bills is a reward in itself. I guess I would have to say that I get the most out of picking up a lowdown trick and turnin' her out better than she started, you know what I mean? That's what M.E.L.V.I.N. was all about, man. To have a good relationship with your ho's is like those Mastercard commercials, man, it's priceless. Any two-bit hustla can smack his ho's around for nothin' and get his change, but if you got a good relationship with your ho's it makes all the difference in the world.

PF: What advice do you have for those aspiring pimps out there?

BB: Don't. (Laughs) Seriously though, this was the hand God dealt me. I didn't choose to be a pimp, it chose me, as the old cliche goes. I was lucky that I had good influences around that taught me how to do it right and I was extremely lucky to get into competitive pimping. It's a helluva lot harder than it sounds, as anyone on the competitive circuit will tell you. Don't do it if it's not in your blood, man. If it is, you already know it and there ain't nothin' that I can say that'll make a shit to you (Laughs). Just study the masters, man. Study M.E.L.V.I.N., Crescent Fred, and of course [Grimy] J. That kid is unbelievable.

PF: Do you think you have a chance at beating Grimy J this year?

BB: I got a chance in hell, man, but I got a chance.

--PF

A Selection of Salacious Short Stories

2006-08-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

Skip to my Lou

2005-08-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

Partisan Fighter II: Championship Edition
A SirChumpsAlot Exclusive*

The age old battle between right vs. left, conservative vs. liberal, and Coach Patterson vs. Ralph Nader has existed since time immemorial. But with all of the complicated issues facing our great nation, it's time you found out from some guy on the internet which side of the aisle you should stand on. Choose your fighter...

Republicans

Republicans are the rich white guys who own everything. They own all of the energy, automotive, insurance, and pharmaceutical companies and therefore own you. And if you don't like that, they'll fucking kill you.

Powers: Force Lightning, Force Choke, Prayer

Democrats

Democrats are the civil servants and Little Urban Achievers of the political spectrum. They fight tirelessly for the underdog, the environment, free-speech and, naturally, get their collective ass handed to them.

Powers: Protest, Righteous Indignation, Online Petition

Libertarians

The red-headed step-children of the Republican Party, Libertarians think that the gubment needs to get the hell off its lawn. Basically Republicans on weed...with guns.

Powers: Unarmed Combat, Swords, Polearms

Green Party

The Green Party is the even more pussified version of the Democrats. They think everyone should recycle, switch to renewable energy sources, and set America as a beacon of peace and humanitarianism in the world. Like I said, pussies.

Powers: Flower power, CareBear Stare, Captain Planet Ring: Heart

Anarchists

Anarchists are way hardcore to the max dudes who say "Fuck the government, man!" Basically the teenage children of the Democrats/Green Party who are trying as hard as they can to...rebel against...something...

Powers: Writing Incomprehensible Websites, Being XhardcoreX, Bad Music/Poetry

In sum, it is obvious that Republican dominance is to be feared and respected above all others. However, the winds carry a prophecy that one day a Chosen One will rise from the ranks of the disenfranchised to topple the Republican/Shadaloo Syndicate. Therefore, we have arranged a tournament for the greatest political fighters in the world to settle their differences in the ring. That is, if you believe you are Tuff-E-Nuff(!)

We shall see...

Yours truly,

M. Bison

*This article originally appeared in the July 2005 Edition of BassDigest

The Tale of the Ghost Pirate

2005-04-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

Graduation and Beyond
by Darryl Rogers
Guest Columnist

"Now that I'm nearing graduation, I've begun pondering my future. What do I do once I have official documentation proving that I have correctly followed syllabi for four years? On one hand, I could be a schmuck in a cubicle; sitting in the same place and performing the same meaningless tasks every day, chuckling listlessly at dreary office humor, and finding pitiful solace in adorning my grey environs with pathetic reminders of my obsolescence and decay. On the other hand, I could return to college for a graduate degree; sitting in the same place and performing the same meaningless tasks every day, chuckling listlessly at dreary academic humor, and finding pitiful solace in adorning my brown environs with pathetic reminders of my obsolescence and decay.

But then it occurred to me--why put up with all that bullshit when I could be a FAT IRRESPONSIBLE SELFISH QUEEF WHO LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS AND PLAYS EVERQUEST ALL DAY?"

Haha, that was an entry in my Livejournal back when I was about to graduate college. Funny how young and naive I was back then. Those years I lived with my parents were the best years of my life. I made it to the level 60 cap with over 27 unique characters (or avatars), got married and divorced three times (No hard feelings BunniBlade!), and gained over 277 pounds on a diet of Mountain Dew, pizza, and ranch dressing (/pizza anyone?!?). But like all good things, those glory days sadly came to an end with the passing of my mother this past year. After the electricity and water was cut off, I decided it was time I made something of myself. While I might not be a "Tony Danza" by any stretch of the imagination, I knew that my unique life experiences might be useful to someone. That's why I, with a little financial support from my online guild, created Fat Irresponsible Selfish Queef, Inc (FISQ).

FISQ is a company dedicated to providing the opportunity for recent college graduates (and women!) to discover their inner manchild and find the oft-overlooked support that their parents should provide. To assist us in our mission, we also provide a team of legal experts for any of our members whose parents are reluctant to lend their support. I consider myself lucky for the amazing roller-coaster of a life I have lead; I have traveled from the peaks of Ak'Anon to the Tower of Frozen Shadow and back again--but now, I am pleased to serve you.

For More Information on the FISQ Corporation, please visit our website:

http://www.fisq.com
FISQ Inc.
"It's like being a child again, except now you're a grown man!"

This Message Brought to You by:

Emperor Popetine
and Viewers Like You

Merry XMAS Goddammit

2004-12-26T19:12:00.000-06:00

Happy holidays everyone! Hopefully you all got the worthless crap you were longing for lo these many months. If you're lucky, it just might fill the emptiness inside of you long enough for New Years. As for me, I will have already set sail upon a sea of gin and bitter regret as I do every year. Remember, like our Christian friends tell us, Jesus is the reason for the season. It has nothing to do with the appropriation of a pagan holiday in order to more easily convert the Anglo-Saxons to Christianity around 500 A.D.

Wishing you and yours a tight motherfucking Kwanzaa, fool,

Mr. T

The Greatest Short Story of All Time - Episode II - Attack of the Clones

2004-11-24T14:35:00.000-06:00

And now for the "thrilling" conclusion...

The Greatest Short Story of All Time, Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

2004-11-19T10:33:00.000-06:00

I have finally completed the first part of my magnum opus, "The Tragi-Comic Death of Tom Arnold." Here's a sample:

It was a dark and stormy night. At his Beverly Hills residence, Tom Arnold was pouring what would be his last rum and coke...

Read the rest of Part 1

Hail to my Weiner

2004-11-01T16:07:00.000-06:00

In approximately 48 hours, the fate of the world will have been decided. We shall either once more be under the thrall of The Great White Satan himself, or, under the veleveteen touch of a candy-ass, flip-flop, French millionaire pussyboy. Either way, I don't really care because the whole thing is, like, totally rigged anyway. But you should. You should care more than you have ever cared about anything in your life. Why? Because P. Diddy said so, bitch! But if you are still one of those jackoffs that doesn't know what our most sacred institution is all about, here's a handy guide for your retarded ass:

(Que MIDI fanfare)
Your Guide to the 2004 Presidential Elections
by Vince "W" Milo

The Candidates

Your first step in participating in the political process, after forgetting to register to vote, is to get to know the candidates and their platforms. There are many things you might not know about the candidates and/or their platforms might surprise you. For example, did you know that President Bush once drove a snowmobile off of his platform and right into Karl Rove's ass? Or that John Kerry swings from platform to platform and tree to tree using only his distended, prehensile genitalia? Don't worry about learning about the third-party candidates, they will never win anyway and they hate our freedom.

Casting your Vote

After you learn as much as you can from TV about the candidates, it is now time to vote. You can either vote early and risk having your vote disqualified, or vote on Nov. 2nd and have to wait in a long line before having your vote disqualified. Either way, you will want to first decide who it is you will vote for. To find this out, first take the number of signs, bumper stickers, and clever t-shirts you have seen for each candidate and add your totals. Next, take all of the counter-signs and bumper stickers and subtract those from your totals. For example, if you saw 132 Bush/Cheney signs, but you saw 44 "W" with a slash through it stickers, your Bush total would now be 88. Likewise, if you saw 116 Kerry/Edwards stickers, but saw 27 Kerry/Bin Laden stickers, your Kerry total would now be 89. Whoever ends up with the highest total is who you will vote for. In the case of a tie, a write-in ballot for Macho Man Randy Savage must be cast. As for the various congressmen and senators, just vote for whoever has the coolest name.

The Electoral College

After all of the votes have been cast, they are then sent to the Electoral College for immediate shredding. Next, key members of Congress called Electors, will roll about naked upon the defiled remains of our democracy; drinking to excess, fornicating, and defecating on our hopes and dreams. Afterwards, whichever party has the most Electors left on the dance floor, gets their nominee elected. In the case of a tie, a wet t-shirt contest is held and the Supreme Court is brought in to judge. Interestingly enough, the 2000 election was decided not so much by "hanging chads" or the disenfrachisement of black voters, as was previously thought, but moreso by Dick Cheney's erotic performance to the house remix of "Tainted Love" and subsequent pole-dance.

Watching TV

The next part of the democaratic process is to watch TV en masse to see which media corporation will become our next president. Naturally, you will already have tequila shots ready. Every time they say "electoral college", "swing states", or "democracy" take a shot. If they ever say "September 11th", "Iraq", or "terrorism" take two shots. If Bush wins, chug a bottle of Jack. If Kerry wins, chug a bottle of schnapps. If Nader wins, chug a bottle of "In your dreams you fucking hippy." If Macho Man Randy Savage wins, crash through your neighbors wall and go, "Oooooh yeeeeeah!"

The Aftermath

After you vomit all over your balcony the next morning, take a moment; look wistfully out over our fair land, sigh, and ponder the implications of how, just as in life, your contribution once more failed to make a difference on anything. Realize that this country has already been bought and paid for years ago by national corporate interests, and that your only purpose in life now is to make said corporations even more wealthy through you consumption of products, labor, and eventual death. A wave of political indifference will now wash over you so be sure and have some caffeine and cigarettes handy to fill the void. Next, put some $2/gallon gas in your car, get stuck in traffic, and get docked pay for being late to work. Now get fat and die of heart disease. Congratulations, you are now a true American!

See you at the polls!

Your friends,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Some weird muscle chick guy (Dahippy?), and Richard M. Nixon

Fatty McDesperate w/Cheese

2004-10-25T16:54:00.000-05:00

Ah, dating. The terrible awkwardness, the excruciating anticipation, the inevitable disapointment, and the bitter, soul-crushing lonliness that follow, are but a few of the perks of the tragi-comic charade known as modern courtship. But now, thanks to the "internet", even hideous social rejects like you have a shot at getting your heartbreakingly pathetic hopes up -- without even leaving the house. And it's all thanks to:

The Magical World of Online Dating
by Vince "Hotbottoms6969" Milo
(woo this person)

Day 1 - Finding the right dating website

With so many different dating websites out there, which is the right one? You could use one of the paysites like Matchmaker or Match, but then, not only are you still going to be alone for the rest of eternity, now you're suffering the additional humiliation of actually paying for it. Of course, if you absolutely must pay money for companionship in order to feel like you're not ripping someone off, there is always Russian mail-order brides; how ugly could she possibly be? But if you're not ready for a serious, non-English speaking relationship, I recommend a free dating website like OKCupid or Yahoo Personals.

Day 2 - Creating a Profile

Creating a fun, sassy profile is the key to tricking other people into thinking that you are interesting. Right off the bat, make sure that you say "your friend" got you into online dating and you're "just doing it for fun" so no one will know how horribly lonely you are. Also be sure and mention things like your shitty band, how each day is a poem, and how much you like to party! If possible, use artwork or a teasing, blurry photograph so people won't see how ugly you really are. Avoid mentioning that you are 37, still living with your parents, and when not thinking about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, you are an avid sword hobbyist.

Day 3 - Finding matches

Finding someone uglier and/or more desperate than you can truly be a daunting task. Fortunately, dating websites allow you to rank matches according to how much you have in common; so if you are a dark, misunderstood poet living a life of quiet desperation, rest assured that there will be a theatre/ceramics major who has been looking for that special someone for a long, long time.

Day 4 - Expressing Interest

Once you find someone that falls well below any standard of human decency, you can now "Wink" or "Woo" that person. This means that you send a message indicating interest in them, without actually saying anything -- of course, everyone knows this is for pussies. If you really want to make an impression, you will have to write them a personal message. The key here is to express your intent, without scaring off your prey. Try and say something like, "hay, jsut saw ur porfile, u r kewl, im n a band" Remember, always mention that you are in a band; people are 175% more likely to have sex with you if they think you are in a band, no matter how hideous you are.

Day 5 - AIM

Damn, things are really getting hot now! So you have coyly gone back and forth through the dating website's message system and, unable to contain your carnal lust any longer, have exchanged AIM screen names! Hopefully you already have a totally "hilarious" Buddy Icon that accurately depicts how "wacky" and "fun" you are. !!Important!! Make sure you have deleted all of your Harry Potter erotica links from your profile!! Now, to get the conversation going, break the ice with tried and true openers like "hay sexay!!!1" or "im n a band" and let the conversation proceed naturally. Remember, you can never say "LOLOLOL" too many times. Nothing says humorous and good-natured personality more than the abbreviation for "laughing out loud out loud out loud."

Day 6 - Going on a REAL date

Are you kidding? You actually have a real date? Well shit, Casanova, what the hell do you need me for? You go girl! One thing to keep in mind here: they are now going to see what you actually look like; so remember, garters, wigs, make-up, and prosthetics are your friend. Other than that, just act like someone who is cool would act, that's what I do; if you have shades and some cigarettes add +7 to your Way Cool Score.

Day 7 - Hot XXX Action

Well you finally made it, and Christ Almighty is it horrible. Please, for the love of God, wear protection.

And there you have it! Who would have thought that you could have gone from "zero" to "possible carrier of veneral disease" in the course of a week? Of course, now that you've done away with the pretense, your virtual "significant other" has become a real-life "pain in the ass", with all sorts of "issues", "needs", and emotional baggage. Now is a good time to promise to "call them later" and "make good your escape", as they say. Once you get your test results and dignity back, you will be ready to play the field once more! Who ever said dating online couldn't be just as stupid and degrading as the real thing? Not me!

Keep on pimpin'!

'Nuff Love,
Magic Juan

My Wasted Life

2004-10-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

Ah, if only I had the last ten years of my life back. But who needs women or friends when you have been playing...

Teh Best Games EVR!!1!
by Vince "DragonCon Ladykiller +3" Milo

Warcraft

I can remember in seventh grade when one of my friends interrupted our heated game of Magic: The Gathering to show us the instruction manual for Warcraft 1. This game, along with Command & Conquer, paved the way for all future Real Time Strategy games to come. Blizzard pretty much "pwnd" (see:0wnz0r3d) the RTS market with this series and Starcraft, until games like Ages of Empires II and Rise of Nations came along.

Final Fantasy

This game, along with Dragon Warrior 1, was my first foray into RPGs at the tender age of eight. My friend and I built two seperate thrones out of couch cushions so that one of us could play and the other could navigate with the Official Nintendo Power Strategy Guide. Of course, everyone is aware of the Final Fantasy series now, thanks to #'s VII-XI or whatever it is now, and the shitty movie, but none have come close to the original three.

Chrono Trigger

Arguably the greatest game of all time, Chrono Trigger put all previous RPGs to shame. I pulled off many a sick day in eighth grade in order to be the first kid on my block to get all the endings, a feat that brought me fame and glory worldwide. The only other games that ever came close to CT's majesty were probably Final Fantasy 3, Xenogears, and Suikoden II.

Heroes of Might and Magic II

This game came out around ninth grade. After our daily beating, my friends and I would walk home from Junior High and play this amazing game. We would pretend that the stack of Zounds...Peasants were our coaches and the football team, and we were the invincible stack of 20 Vampire Lords, cruelly slaughtering them one by one, and then raising them from the dead into our dark service. Later HOMM games followed this, but they were never as good.

Asheron's Call

Thanks to this game and Xenogears, I pretty much guaranteed that I would never get laid in high school. But if you have ever gotten a tiny shard, you would know it was totally worth it.

Civilization 2

Oh, the hours wasted and exams failed. I still play this fucking game.

Tekken 2

Though I would probably have to agree that Soul Calibur is better, there was a certain mystique to this game that I haven't found in a fighting game since. Being able to play as Kazuya and then, if I was defeated, being able to play as Devil in order to seek vengeance, was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life.

Maniac Mansion

This game made me piss my pants. No seriously, I had to wait for the doorbell to ring so I could pick up the package in front of the mansion before Weird Ed did and -- look, you have to understand how much the completion of this game meant to a fifteen year old kid. I mean nine year old. Seriously, I was nine. Lets just drop it, ok asshole?

Shadowgate

I played this game back in third grade, and it gave me nightmares for weeks. This was back when the Japanese could still openly fuck with little children's minds.

The Sims

This game continued my celibate legacy well into my early college years. After I became an Unleashed, House Partying, Vacationing, Superstar, however, I finally decided it was high time I set out, and actually became a participant in my own life.

And so our story ends, and here I am today -- an upstanding citizen with a wife and kids, and my feet firmly planted in reality!
As you can probably tell, I tried to start out with this as a serious list, but couldn't help but fall into self-parody after so long. It makes you wonder how people who actually do stuff like this keep it together -- oh, I guess they don't.

Until next time, fags!

Sincerely,
Walter Cronkite

Daffodil Daydreams

2004-10-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, this has gone on far too long and I am no longer able to contain the caustic venom eating away inside me -- thus, I present to you, in no particular order:

People I Hate
By Vince "Pene Grande" Milo

The Verizon Guy

Everything about this guy, from his smug self-satisfied expression, to his pseudo-indie rock Elvis Costello glasses, makes me want to drive meathooks into his eye sockets and drag him behind a truck until he eventually disintegrates against the unforgiving pavement. Naturally, a pack of wild dogs would be in hot pursuit of my grisly chariot, greedily seizing upon his tender flesh."Can you hear me now?" I would cry from the cab, oblivious to his pitiful cries of agony. "Good! Now, though I'd love to take you up on your offer of casting my horoscope, I'm much too busy enjoying the sight of your flailing carcass being gradually torn to shreds by elements of both earth and beast." I don't know why I hate this guy so much, but I really really do.

The Geico Gecko

Though he isn't technically a person, he still pisses me off. Whoever thought it would be HILARIOUS to mix up the word Geico with gecko must have also thought that the dancing hamster from Blockbuster, and the outrageous, yet appropriately named, Oven Mitt (voiced by "funnyman" Tom Arnold) from Arby's were, on a scale of 1-10 on the Laff-O-Meter(tm), an 1,000,000!!!1~!1 Obviously, our only recourse is to round these people up, seal them in an airtight capsule, and release them into the icy-waters of the North Atlantic, never to be spoken of again.

Paris Hilton

Nothing speaks more volumes about the social retardation of America than the rise of former non-publicly-fucked hotel heiress Paris Hilton. Apparently, just being a ridiculous, undeservedly rich, human blow-up-doll no longer warrants national distinction. She makes me hate everyone in the whole world.

Terry Bradshaw

What a fucking doofus. I wish I could get paid millions of dollars to be an annoying dipshit sportscaster who not only gives "hilarious" and "laugh-out loud" unnecessary game commentary along with fellow former-overrated-football-star-turned-not-funny-commercial-douchebag Howie Long, but who also found time to make equally "wacky" brain-destroying 1-800-COLLECT commercials along with fellow "laugh riots" Toby Keith and Alf. The trick here would be to first seal the exits during the taping of Fox NFL Sunday. Meanwhile, deploy Zyklon-B gas through the air-conditioning ducts and let the show begin. The ensuing carnage, as Howie and Jimmy Johnson dismember JB and unsuccessfully attempt to use his femur to pry open the studio doors, would no doubt leave American audiences so traumatized that they would collectively renounce all the stupid shit their lives have revolved around since they were born and take up international hospitality or something gay like that.

Bono

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Praise the Lord

char·la·tan
n.

A person who makes elaborate, fraudulent, and often voluble claims to skill or knowledge; a quack or fraud.

You gotta hand it to these people, tricking the blacks and elderly into believing that if they pay you enough money, you will pray for them, is pure marketing genius. But what really pisses me off about this show is that no one seems to notice the fact that it's co-produced by a whorish pink-haired abomination named Jan. Now Jan, like Marduk, the fell demon god of Babylon, knows an opportunity when she sees it, and she's not going to let a little thing like a horrible disaster in an impoverished third-world country go unexploited. The fact that God hasn't already struck down these assholes on live national television with His mighty wrath -- more than any Nietschzean, existentialist, or post-structuralist thought -- has proven to me that He truly does not exist.

Freddie Prinz Jr.

Freddie Prinz Jr. has always been a living dildo, but ever since She's All That, he really rose to the top of my official list of People I Would Enjoy Watching Being Slowly Lowered into Molten Lava (PIWEWBSLML).

Lars Ulrich

I'm not sure if I hated Lars Ulrich before the whole Napster thing, but I definitely hated Metallica. Now however, I just hate Lars Ulrich -- particularly his stupid fucking face (see above). It was bad enough that Metallica ever became popular in the first place, much less that they sold out and cut their hair, much less that they filed a lawsuit against Napster with Lars "Forehead" Ulrich as their spokesman. I suppose he was the only member of the band coherent enough to open his fat smarmy face and complain that the Jacuzzi feature in his stretch hummer wasn't going to buy itself. God I hate him. Fortunately, his entire purpose in life has been rendered null and void thanks to Gnutella, Shareaza, Limewire, BitTorrent, MLDonkey, FastTrack, Morpheus, eMule, BearShare, and Kazaa Lite. Say, maybe God does exist after all.

Puff Daddy

po·seur
n.

One who affects a particular attribute, attitude, or identity to impress or influence others.

Also, in this case, one who pretends to have talent in order to impress or influence others. P. Diddy, or as I like to call him, Piece of Shitty , is an enigma. Here is a guy who has no musical ability, no rapping ability, has a stupid name, steals other people's music and calls it "sampling", has a stupid expression on his face all the time, and he dropped his mic when he was "performing" his cover of Led Zeppelin's Kashmir on Saturday Night Live. And yet, he makes millions of dollars, has had sex with J.Lo (though, like all things touched by Ben Affleck, this accomplishment has devalued), and continues to rear his disqualified head on my TV. To get to the bottom of this conundrum I had the good fortune of scoring an interview with Mr. Shitty himself, here's a "sample":

SirChumps: How ever do you do it P.?

P. Diddy4823: Well it all started by riding on the coat-tails of actual rappers. Then, I took music that had already been written and "rapped" over it. Then I sold this garbage to people who don't know any better.

SirChumps: Your national recognition as an artist shames us all.

P. Diddy4823: Well it's like the song goes: As long as you are completely devoid of anything resembling talent, America will rise up to embrace you. This one goes out to you Big Poppa, wherever you are -- take it away, Sting.

SirChumps has logged off

Kittens

I absolutely, positively, unequivocally HATE kittens, they represent all that's evil in this -- awwww, how can I be mad at you little scamps? Who's a pretty kitty? Who's a pretty kitty? You are! You are!

The End

There you have it folks, this took way more time than I thought so don't expect me to do anything like this ever again.

Your friend,
Morrisey

First post!!!111

2004-10-10T22:16:00.000-05:00

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"