Monday, April 07, 2008

Time for an ObamaillaryMclution!


Hooray it's election year again and no one is more excited than me! At long last we can throw the bums out of office, put a stop to the military industrial complex, rampant corporate greed and corruption, and make the American Dream a true reality where anyone who works hard enough can achieve their dreams! Hahah, yeah right! But in the meantime we can always look forward to the empty pageantry and posturing of it all. So grab your hope hats and lets ride the caboose of change because its time for:

Your Guide to the 2008 Elections
by SirChumpsalot

Ah, I love the fresh fart smell of empty campaign rhetoric in the morning. The mudslinging, backbiting, vague promises of a better tomorrow, hypocrisy, outright lying, and various methods of calling the kettle black all stir gentle longings for a merciful bullet in my brain. But before I joyfully shuffle off this mortal coil lets take a look at the candidates:

John McCain

A celebrated war hero who, despite giving birth to a black baby, is back on track and ready to compromise his integrity any way he knows how. A true maverick, he plays both sides of the aisle by embracing neoconservative televangelists and promising even more wars. In fact, he is committed to maintaining the war in Iraq for the next one hundred years, even if, and especially if, they are able to resolve their own internal conflicts peacefully. Known fondly as the "Cowboy of the Quavering Neck Flab" John McCain is a testament to servile old people everywhere and whether or not he is able to secure the presidency, is a certified shoe-in for "World's Greatest Morally Bankrupt Grandpa."

Hillary Clinton

The Cackling Hyena of the North, Hillary Clinton descends upon the presidential arena with a gleam in her eye, a mostly fabricated story to tell, and a cool 100 mil in the bank. Hillary is the woman candidate and if you are a woman you should, like, totally vote for her because, like, we should support grrrrl power because, like, I am woman hear me roar LOL! Like, even if she, like totally voted for the war in Iraq, and like, sat idly by on the board of Wal-Mart while they totally cracked down on the unions or whatever, and like, voted for escalated action against Iran, she, like, totally has a vagina and that's, like, something I can so totally relate to and is totally what I'm going to base my vote on. Oh my Gawd is that a new purse?! It is soooooooo gorgeous! I'm soooooo jealous! OMG Bill is so hot, if I was his wife he would never cheat on me LOL! OMG that's so mean!

Barack Obama

The token black guy of the presidential race, Obama "pities the fool" who would call him out on his ties to nuclear energy lobbyists and after an unsuccessful attempt to avoid association with the inflammatory words of his pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, "calls a 187" on motherfuckin' race relations in America by "droppin' some science" in a televised speech. Obama can "get jiggy with it" if he needs to and speaks no "jibba jabba" when it comes to uniting the country and putting partisanship aside. So far he has been able to "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" in terms of primaries won, but it remains to be seen if he will "Superman Dat Ho" in time for the November elections.

Ron Paul

HI MY NAME IS RON PAUL A.K.A. MR. CRAZY PANTS LETS ABOLISH THE FEDERAL RESERVE LETS ADOPT THE GOLD STANDARD 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB GOOGLE 9/11 TRUTH LETS MAKE A MILITIA AND SECEDE FROM THE UNION I LIVE IN A TRAILER PARK AND EAT DEER MEAT IN MY WIGWAM BUSH HID THE FACTS I LOVE TO SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY 420 SCIENTOLOGY IS A LIE ANONYMOUS DOES NOT FORGIVE LONGCAT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE

In conclusion, the United States is a corrupt plutocratic oligarchy whose foreign policy is dictated by war profiteers and whose domestic policy is dictated by automobile, pharmaceutical, and energy tycoons who have but one united Machiavellian world view of profit above all with liberty and justice for themselves. The two party system is a hoax perpetrated on the American people by the ruling elite to give the illusion of choice and nothing will ever actually change and it has been this way and will be this way forever.* Welp, see you at the polls!


*This message brought to you by DreamWorks' A Bee Movie - Buy it on DVD Today!

Labels:

eXTReMe Tracker